I have this extraordinary connection with cuppycake. She’s beautiful, and truly, truly, the life as a momma is good. But.
There’s a darker side, one where I question myself constantly, and fear for her and myself whenever we are apart. I call home, and she is always crying: my happy, bouncy baby, is always screaming when I’m gone. I question her father’s ability to care for her most basic needs, because when she is crying for food, he is trying to put her to sleep. And it’s not just once or twice, I truly believe he just accepts it, and lets her cry.
I’m petrified that something will happen to me and she will have no mamma. I don’t have enough milk stored up for her to last one day on breast-milk because I threw it all out- when her thrush got diagnosed. Even the good stuff, the colostrum from early days (and nights).
I got an IUD at my 6 week check up,and I had to take this little survey to see how I was feeling emotionally, and my midwife kept telling me that if I felt ‘more hormonal’ then to let them know. How do I know if I am ‘more hormonal’ if I am blinded by my own hormonal visions? And I don’t even know how hormonal new moms are, but I do know that when she cries, it tears my heart into little shreds and fills me with panic. But when I am with her, she rarely fusses, much less full-out cries. So when I call, and she is crying, and I can’t reach out and comfort her, or we’re in the car and she gets fussy, I just feel completely miserable, and am truly anxious to be with her to comfort her. I feel like I am standing on a glass panel and it's continuously breaking from under me.
My motherly nature is so much stronger than my energy to be back at school, I really can't focus on doing well, and I am so disappointed that her pappa keeps pushing me to spend time away from her. He says it’s good for me, I just feel so desperately lonesome for my daughter.
Oh, I miss my cuppycake.