Wordless Wednesday:

Arrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

Anticipating Halloween

I love Halloween. When I was little, we never celebrated it. But as a mom myself, I enjoy decorating for, preparing treats for, and especially, making costumes for Halloween. Little Berry wants to be a "Pirate Prarie Dog" this Halloween. I'm not sure how I'm pulling that one off yet, but I WILL try!
And I've been making costumes for my etsy shop-there are pirate costumes, dinosaur costumes, animal tails, and a very sweet fairy costume over there.
I love making costumes because they just *feel* magical somehow.
Last year we were all the Three Bears (that was really fun& memorable!) the year before that, we dressed up as Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and Little Berry was the CUTEST special agent ever.

Acorns are for the birds!

Earlier this week, little berry asked me to draw a beak and eyes on an acorn. I didn't really think much about it& told her I would do it later, and then today she asked again, so I did as she asked. Then I went about my day. A bit later, I came upon her playing with her acorn bowl at the nature table- actually it's bare besides the acorns she grabbed outside and a found feather for now.
It turns out she is pretending the acorns are birds- and the acorn caps are bird nests. Big acorns are the mommy&daddy birds, little acorns are baby birds. Some acorns are eggs. It seems to be arbitrarily decided.
I think this is a hilarious, creative, and super fun idea.
The birds love to fly around our apartment and I've seen a few in places I'm not particularly fond of (the refrigerator: "it's an egg, mama!") but it is harmless and she's having a great time so I can't complain.
What creative uses have you heard of for acorns?

Late night musings of an eternal mamma

I give her little face a kiss and she tucks her head into the crook of my neck. I smell like a mama, she smells strongly of bubbles and strawberries, a result of her affinity to sneaking the soap bar when she's fully clean and my hastiness to pull the tub stopper as the water gets chilly.

I knelt by the tub tonight, watching her soap her own toes and firmly refusing to brush her teeth. I swept a washcloth behind her ears, under her curvy chin, and wondered: how long she will need me yet? As I scooped water into the palm of my hand to rinse the day away, I glimpsed a bigger girl with memories and stories to spill out, with an eagerness and lightness of her father's and a the voice of a dreamer like me. Her hair swirled down around the top of her neck in a way I had never seen it do before, tracing rivulets down her spine and joining the bath again. My heart whispered: will I always know her this well?

The night is long at times, spent shuffling (those ever growing) little feet back under the blankets and getting up for water, worrying over my two dearest loves as they sleep, as if they were both my children, and I suppose in a very primal way they are. Both are sound in my nest all night, tucked around one another and oblivious to this mama's dually committed heart thrumming away, wanting to hold them both at once.

I fear her growing because I'm terrified I haven't got it down. I want longer to get it right before she will know that I am misguided, before she sees my faults. Eventually I'm sure she will recognize me as a pawn. I don't know the rules. I don't know the steps, I can't dance this fast and in these shoes.

As I scooped her from the tub and she pressed her face into the crook of my neck, we went in search of pajamas for the night. Pulling from the basket nearest me, I found my fingers wrapped around a tiny set of pajamas too small for any girl of mine. These were hers nearly two winters ago, just as we were seated deep in worry about our future, cold and jobless with no hope or vision for that to change, when there were too many hours each day spent sitting in classrooms waiting to graduate so I could hold my daughter whenever I pleased; hoping that my classmates didn't see my breasts leaking, at times wondering that they did not smell my fear that this route they celebrated with joy I counted as hell and yearned for it to end.

Darker hours in the shivering winter spent fighting with Pappa because my heart was never in school again, I could spare it all just to be a mamma. These were the pajamas she wore the morning we drove to the polls to vote for idealistic "Change," and the morning my sweet friend Jessy came to visit after her weekly Chemo battering. She smiled and yet looked faint, she sang to my wee babe about teething gums while I worried about my girl, who had immediately fixed herself on this splendid friend to investigate her thoroughly- I hope that my own girl will be as open-minded, loving and generous each step of the way as this beautiful young woman I am blessed to know.

This instinct to protect is not exclusive to the faces we see and love each day. It is not limited to the hands we hold or gently scold, and the tiny feet that pitter-patter and sometimes "THRUMP!" around, making tangible progress and marking the traits that will be theirs for life right before our eyes. It is for the children we don't get to hold, the ones we were ourselves, the ones we see on the television while their mother's wail. These children, these little sparks that flash for only a moment, that always have to face the cold with empty tummies, they are why my heart is breaking for my own. I stood in front of my mother when I was seven and told her I wanted to save all of the orphans, and asked her why we didn't try to help. Her reasoning was complicated and altogether simple at the same moment, yet her theory fell deaf to my ears and I am sure that day I stopped believing in universal love.

This is the joy called motherhood, I share it with many strong and willing women now, and before me. Surely more will come after me as well. Some bear a multitude of souls into the world and some never kiss a single tear frosted cheek, but all have willing, loving, open hearts. We swap tips and laughs and fears. We all dream big, and none of us wants our children to resist our open arms. This is the joy called motherhood. It is the voice of universal love.

Do something kind for another person today. Do it for your heart, and mine, which needs reminding that humanity is always embraced by mothers.

Missing

We all know what it's like to be busy, to be overwhelmed, to have more on our plate than we'd like. And sometimes it's not that we're busy, or too busy to do what needs to be done, it's just that we don't want to do what we need to. Oh, procrastination. The truth is, if I applied myself, I could accomplish a lot. A whole lot. I'm not what I would call a lazy person, but I am creatively motivated. By that, I mean I am highly motivated when it comes to things creative. Organizing the bookshelf thoroughly? Oh, I can do that. Baking bread? Absolutely! Folding the towels and patching Little Berry's pants where she wiped out too many times wore them out? Yes, yes! Sign me up. But when it comes to seeing that the bedroom isn't exactly in tip top shape or that the scum in our tub has began turning pink, well. I'm not the best at this. I look at it like this:
How long ago did I get on my hands and knees and scrub the bathroom/kitchen floor/ etc? And if the answer is more than a week ago I think
"well...I will clean it tomorrow."
And then the next day I actually DO follow through on those tasks and usually also end up doing way more than I *realized* needed doing. Of course. And then I get all huffy when Pappa Starbucks doesn't comment on how great everything looks, but that's another post.


What about you? How do you maintain a clean home?
(I'm talking to you, Nichole, Sharla, and Lynette!)
***And anyone else who might be following along here :)

Nippy

We made it to the pumpkin patch with the little one. We're in a neighborhood that's not all that festive but we've made an effort, and have a front door that looks ready to greet the hordes. Little Berry loved the pumpkins and kept trying to make off with them all. We haven't carved them yet but it will be done! It will!
It was a bit of an impromptu trip and as such we layered on almost anything we could find and don't look quite the part. I think they would look well in black and white but will enjoy these for now.


It's finally justifiable to say things like "we had roasted squash for dinner last night" and "I am so ready for a cup of tea"


In fact, as I sit here typing this, children scatter back and forth in front of our steps nearly dying from excitement and anticipation, the fireplace is going with a sleeping Little Berry in front of it, and my toes are a teensy bit nippy.

Creating....

Lately I've been doing more creating than anything else. Mostly for Little Berry who seems to appreciate my energy thank goodness. These are for her:

I am also working on some projects for the Etsy Shop I've been dying to open for quite a while. Here's the product of my efforts:

I call her Ellen. She's been naughty and got into the Halloween candy again, as evidenced by her burgeoning waist.



Hopefully there will be as much enthusiasm for them from others as my little one has given me. I find that sewing is really great entertainment for those days I'm stuck inside with my wee babe.

Random posting monday

self interviewing questions because I cannot think of anything to say, except: nightmares=crap and I just want some decent sleep.

1. What is your favorite smell?
Mmmm...chocolate..or Lemon meringue pie...or,or clean laundry dried in the sunshine.

2. Did you/would you/are you co-sleep(ing)?

Oh yes oh yes oh yes. When little berry was born, I was convinced she would be one of those crib babies. We had it ALL READY. In fact, I was in labor and freaking out, rewashing her bumper at 2am....but then that night we brought her home (remember, I had her at a birth center, we came home 3 hours after delivery) and Pappa Starbucks had his mother over. BIG MISTAKE!!! I was, and still am, angry about that. I had a natural childbirth specifically because it meant I could go home and have my baby to myself!!!
Anyway, we brought her to bed with us and she's been there since. It was wonderful in Europe when we were traveling. Pappa Starbucks hates it and has recently began sleeping in the guest room which is OK because we are all happy at last. Don't even get me started on the 'marriage bed' right now.


5. What's your favourite colour?

Yellow. I remember being a kid and loving green, like forest green, and thinking "I will never love anything as much as I love this deep forest green it is just so beautiful!!" but of course that was my brain on childhood, so it didn't stick.

How do you feel about saving money, things, etc?

I'm a big saver.I am a thrift-store shopper and a coupon clipper and we really do save money. With that being said, we don't have much in savings. The economy wiped us out several months ago and we haven't exactly found our feet yet, also, we just did the math and Pappa Starbucks spends approximately $1200 a year at Starbucks. Which makes me ill. He is not a saver, so our methods are often at odds.

What do you like most about the current season?

Oh, pickles! I LOVE FALL. I have the most vivid memories of fall leaves blowing around, changing into deep colors, the smell, the feel of the air, fall is just spectacular. I guess mostly I love the feel of the air, how I can breathe in big lungfuls (nice after such a hot summer) and never feel overheated. Of course, it's 96degrees today so that may not be a constant!

Most recent dream?

I've been having nightmares lately, truly disturbing dreams where my family is in danger of being eaten by a grizzly bear that we can't escape or that I fall in front of a train and I am holding my baby. I don't like dreams very much!

And now, an open letter to my OTHER professor

You, kind sir, should put aside your prejudices of young married students and young parents for three seconds, because right now, you're trying to fail me, which could easily destroy not only my entire college career, and my mission to get a job in this dashed economy, but also you're challenging the future of MY DAUGHTER.
I understand that you have no children of your own, and if you did, you wouldn't have had them while you were still in college.

And yes, I screwed up a lot of things this semester. I don't know how many times I went to class late. Or with spit up all the way down my pants. No, really. And I cut my foot 8 weeks ago, and you know what? It still looks like I did it yesterday. And there were about, well, there was that one time I wrote my paper and turned it in literally at the very.last.minute.
But this just sucks.

You changed the time for our final exam, and scheduled it for reading day. Guess what? Thats against University policy,and even worse, It is NOT listed in the syllabus. It is NOT listed online. And yes, I know we "talked about the exam extensively in class" because well, hell-o, I am a note taker for your course.

If what you want is for me to learn a lesson, great! I'm enlightened. New mothers make mistakes. You don't have to tell me that, I am constantly questioning myself as it is.

I had to go to your class and leave my baby screaming, because she doesn't take a bottle and that means I left her hungry. For hours, to sit in your class and discuss religious movements with a bunch of kids who, quite frankly, were probably freaked out by my gnarled hair and that smell, of baby poo, and who didn't want to be in a group with me anyway.
Add to that how FRICKING hungry I always was, like that one time when I ate all of the snack when it got to me instead of passing it. Sorry, I like calories a lot.

The point here is, I really, truly made a tremendous effort on my hormonal, depressed part, just to show up. And then, you would be showing a movie, and guess what? I really felt like that was a waste of my time. So a couple of times I didn't do the reading. And sometimes, I left early if my husband called and said babe, the baby is a mess. Please come feed her. You know that saying "if a baby is hungry enough, he/she will take a bottle"?
It's crap.
I wonder if you, or your hot-headed TA know what it feels like to have a tiny, helpless person need to eat, and you be the only way they can- ah, of course not.

And well, shit. Today, evidently, I missed. that. final. exam.

Actually, it IS your fault. You should have said "Hey! I changed the date of the final!" which would have been enough. But yeah, I screwed up. And now, well, what the heck am I supposed to do? I don't want to be a complete ass. But I do deserve to take that final.

And if I struggle in the future, it's not because I missed a couple of classes. It's not because I am a bad student, because, sir, I busted my ass this semester, I started classes 4 weeks after having a baby. I haven't had one minute to breathe since then, and you know what? I am still not recovered from her. But I did work hard, and you know it, and you should let me take my final exam, because failing me is pretty over the top.

Best,

your least favorite student.,

One for airplanes

For this post, I wish I had a video to go with. But alas, I do not.
Pappa Starbucks and I have been trying to get back to each other and figure out where we stand in this whole new baby thing. Between in-law’s, school, work, friends, and mentoring, we’ve really let our ‘us’ fade away a little. So tonight, we were kidding around and he tried to kiss me hello when I mentioned that no, really, I haven’t brushed my teeth today, and he was all but you went out? And then I reminded him there was a pack of gum in the car, duh, I wasn't totally unprepared. Some days, it is really that bad. But bad isn’t really the word I am looking for, it’s good. It’s been a wonderful day. I have a paper due tomorrow, dinner to fix for his mother and sister (and a vegan dinner at that, anyone got any tips? I’m tired of making vegetable stir fry : ) ), and a bazillion other things to do, and I just didn’t get around to brushing my teeth. Somewhere in there, we had one of those awkward pauses where we both kind of think...huh...do I really know you(all while I also tried to steal his ice cream with a fork)?
And I was all ambitious and tried to make that cricket noise...you know, the one that they put in cartoons, and it came out sounding like a squashed cow. So we commenced to think of ideal situations to use this hideous noise, and here are our top three NOT in order:
1) In class. Professor says something like “yeah, you know that’s what McCain thinks...” (insert freakish noise here, which is way better for awkward silences than the real thing we think by the way)
2) In the OB’s office, you know what I mean.
3) Tomorrow night at dinner. The whole time.
And so now I have a talent to try to learn and a jammed up noise to keep making because it’s funny, and we are one one closer to being our normal old selves again.

Money baby,money

A few weeks ago, Pappa Starbucks and I were talking about making our lives more user-friendly. We examined our budget, because we’ve been striving hard to manage our money better. And we found some large ways to cut our costs. First, we decided that much of what we do is destructive to our lives instead of constructive.
For example, we both need to eat healthier and take better care of ourselves so that in the long term, we get sick less, and will miss less school or work, and so the baby stays healthier. This means eating better, keeping our home cleaner (getting rid of and collecting less stuff). There are things that we need still and we cannot afford (for example, I need a new post-baby wardrobe for winter), but also, there are things we buy that we do not need (i.e. more pacifiers for the baby).
We also have started eating many more meals at home, and packing food to eat when we leave. He has started drinking more coffee in our kitchen, and much less in his car and at the local *$.The baby needed some hats, and so I made them from old onesies she outgrew instead of dropping $10 for three at Target.
As students, we’re still learning how to manage our money at all, but as new parents, there are a million things we never considered we would need to watch. It’s easy to get caught up in consumerism as new parents: for example, we recently went on a spree of spending, despite the economy’s bad shape. However, it was on a micro level, and our tab only came to about $200. We got the top things we’d been wanting as new parents, and I don’t regret any of them- we thought, and thought about each purchase and resisted a long time. But now that we have them, they DO help us enjoy being new parents more than having that extra $200 sitting in the bank. The purchases?
A car mirror for traveling so Pappa could see the baby when I’m not in the car to soothe her , a Bumbo seat AND tray, even though she’s just 2 months old (we bought that in blue, too, just in case someday we have a boy..). Then there's the Peanut Shell sling for me, something I had wanted since before I had her, and I wish I had got sooner. This isn't a product recommendation, but I will tell you...it was WELL worth it.
The only thing I would have done differently, is, silly me- shopped for these items second hand (like, for example, maybe on Ebay, if I weren't a dim wit). Since they’re all lightweight, I could have probably got them at great prices and shipped cheaply. We did search for coupons online first though!
The other change we are in the process of making is reducing our dependence on plastic grocery bags. I’d like to say it’s all because I’m environmentally conscious, but I really just hate having all those plastic bags taking up space in my kitchen. Currently, we use them for doggy poo...which sucks when they are a bit holy.
The other bit of wisdom we have learned is to earn our credit card points. I never had credit cars before, but now I am learning to use those cards in my advantage. (HOWEVER, we make sure to never, ever, under any circumstance even so much as think about carrying a balance. It's scares me so much to think about getting into debt that I wont use the card if I know we can't go straight home and pay for the item). This means store cards and other kinds, as well as those points’ cards stores give you, which often come with being put on a coupon list as well. Most mailing lists I loathe, but free coupons are always nice if they’re for something I will use. And for the rest, I’ve started sending them to a sister in law, who in turn sends me her unused baby coupons. It’s a win-win for all, except the cat: no one seems to have one, and you’d be surprised how many cat coupons we get each week. Maybe we should start looking for a kitten : )